Realistic guidance on stability, boundaries, and decision-making when emotions run high
By Family Law Complex Litigation Advocacy PLLC | December
Each December, as lawyers everywhere gulp peppermint mochas and stare down end-of-year deadlines, a familiar question arises: What do clients truly need for the holidays? Not what they want. What they actually need.
Unfortunately, the items on my unofficial wish list would violate roughly a dozen ethical rules, a few federal statutes, and at least two clauses of the Geneva Convention. So instead of handing these out, I offer this satirical peek inside a family-law attorney’s dream inventory.
After all, it is the holiday season, a time for generosity, goodwill, and imagining a world in which nobody emails opposing counsel after 10:00 p.m.
1. A Crystal Ball (With Guaranteed Judicial Insight Mode)
Imagine the possibilities. A perfectly spherical, ethically questionable device that answers the questions every anxious client asks in December:
- “What will the judge do?”
- “Will my ex file something over Christmas weekend?”
- “Will we win?”
- “Do courts close early on the 23rd?”
- “Should I buy the more expensive gift because it will somehow look better in court?”
With my Crystal Ball Deluxe, clients could simply gaze into the swirling fog and receive answers unfettered by reality, nuance, burden of proof, or the state of Washington’s case law.
But alas, attorneys must rely on experience, precedent, and reasoned judgment, none of which come packaged with wrapping paper and a bow.
2. A Time Machine (Set to the Date Before the Relationship Fell Apart)
This one tops every client’s imaginary wish list.
“How do we undo this entire situation?”
“Couldn’t we go back five years and fix it all?”
“Can I un-send that text message I wrote when I was… emotional?”
If I were allowed to gift a time machine, I’d preset three modes:
- Mode 1: Undo the Bad Decisions Era
Perfect for ill-advised breakups, reconciliations, and late-night social media posts. - Mode 2: Go Back and Hire Me Earlier
A classic. The number of emergencies that would vanish if clients consulted counsel before signing that stipulation or agreeing to that informal schedule is staggering. - Mode 3: Fast Forward to When This Is All Finally Over
A peaceful future where no one uses MyFamilyWizard as a weapon, all exchanges are punctual, and everyone remembers the child, not the conflict, is the focus.
But time travel remains stubbornly unavailable, so we continue slogging through the linear reality known as litigation.
3. A “Stop. Do Not Send That.” Email Filter
This product is my personal favorite in the imaginary holiday catalog.
Picture an AI-powered compliance elf that intercepts client emails and texts and flashes a bright warning:
“Are you sure you want to send this, or would you prefer to win your case?”
Ideal features include:
- Removing sarcasm detectable from orbit.
- Converting passive aggression into legally neutral statements.
- Deleting the phrase “per my last message, which you clearly ignored.”
In the upgraded model, the filter physically powers down the client’s phone after 11:00 p.m. during custody disputes. A necessary boundary during the holidays.
Until someone invents this, attorneys must continue the December tradition of talking clients off the ledge one draft message at a time.
4. A Court Clerk Who Only Works Your Case
The holiday miracle we all deserve.
This magical clerk:
- Instantly answers phones.
- Fixes rejected filings without judgment.
- Grants ex parte times even when calendars are full.
- Magically suspends the law of time so deadlines do not collide with winter travel.
This impossible creature also whispers, “The judge is actually running ahead today,” a sentence never uttered in nature.
While I cannot clone court staff (I’ve checked), I can organize filings efficiently and anticipate deadlines well enough to reduce December-related cardiac incidents.
5. A Parenting Plan Exchange Teleporter
No more traffic, no more “I’m running 15 minutes late,” no more debates over neutral locations that are convenient for precisely none of the parties involved.
Just press a button and poof, the child is safely at the exchange point, holiday attire intact, snacks unspilled, and no parent glaring through a windshield like an extra in a courtroom drama.
This would also solve the recurring problem:
“Your Honor, he was three minutes late on December 24.”
Tech companies have yet to deliver. Until then, we rely on planning, flexibility, and remembering that the holiday schedule was designed for the child, not the parents’ competitive punctuality dynamic.
6. “Common Sense for Co-Parents” (An Instruction Manual with Pictures)
This one comes in hardcover, paperback, and extra-large print.
Chapters include:
- Why Holidays Are Not the Time for Surprise Legal Actions
- How to Text Without Inviting Contempt
- Your Child’s Teacher Does Not Need to Know Your Litigation Strategy
- If the Gift Requires AA Batteries, Provide Them
- Court Orders: They Apply Even When You Don’t Feel Like It
It would be a best-seller in every county.
But because I cannot ethically distribute judgment-enhancing literature, I remain committed to the less glamorous task of educating clients one conversation at a time.
7. A “Chill Button” for the Entire Extended Family
Ah yes, the December gift every attorney needs: a magical gadget that, when pressed, stops extended families from escalating minor miscommunications into multi-page declarations.
Imagine the peace.
- No more grandparents diagnosing narcissism via WhatsApp.
- No more cousins offering legal advice sourced from TikTok.
- No more aunts whose holiday beverages turn them into armchair psychologists.
Unfortunately, no such button exists. But one can dream.
8. A Budget for Litigation That Does Not Exist Only in Theory
Clients often enter December with optimism, holiday cheer, and a firm belief that litigation costs will behave.
Spoiler: they will not.
My dream gift: a preloaded, indestructible Litigation Card that automatically pays for:
- Depositions
- Mediation fees
- Expert evaluations
- Emergency filings that always arise at the least convenient time
This card never declines, never expires, and never prompts the client to say, “Wait, discovery costs extra?”
Ethics rules prevent such gifts. Instead, we stick to transparency, planning, and realistic budget discussions.
9. A Magical Declaration Translator
This tool instantly converts a client’s passionate five-paragraph emotional monologue into a legally relevant, admissible, neutral-tone statement that judges will actually read.
Sample translation:
Client:
“He ruins everything on purpose because he’s jealous that the kids like my new girlfriend, and also he’s irresponsible, and also his mother undermines me, and also.”
Magical Translator Output:
“In the past six months, the other parent has failed to comply with three agreed-upon exchanges. See attached exhibits.”
Elegant. Concise. Not a single allegation about anyone’s mother.
I would give this gift to every client without hesitation, but ethics and reality prevent me from doing so. So we continue the sacred December ritual: shaping declarations into something the court will not view as a personal diary entry.
10. Peace of Mind
The ultimate holiday gift. Invisible, invaluable, impossible to ethically provide.
If I could give clients anything at year’s end, it would be the reassurance that:
- Their case will stabilize.
- Their children will be okay.
- Their holiday will not be defined by conflict.
- Their future is not determined by their worst day.
But peace cannot be wrapped. It can only be earned through preparation, strategy, clear communication, and occasionally taking a deep breath before hitting “send.”
Final Thoughts: What I Can Give Clients This Season
While my fictional gift guide remains, regrettably, fictional, here is what I actually can offer:
- Competent legal strategy.
- Realistic guidance.
- Strong advocacy.
- Professional calm during chaotic moments.
- And a sincere commitment to navigating the holiday season and the new year with clarity, purpose, and humor.
Because sometimes the best holiday gift isn’t a crystal ball or a teleportation device. Sometimes it is simply having the right lawyer in your corner when the December storm rolls in.